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The Diaries of a Countess, Dunkings and Beheadings in Brighton

Easter seemingly brings a range of stresses and strains to those of us of sensitive natures. The resurrection of Christ is a stress in itself (memories of my father's large bible and austere ramblings) but yet more stressful was the occurrence of a man of ill means and lacking in integrity who ascended the palace walls and crept into the Countess boudoir! In one's sleepy state, and because the infiltrator was masked, your Countess felt quite sure it was the C(o)unt himself.......... the legends of resurrections and even erections were confused. Dreams and reality were blurred and sanity was taken from me.

Had I not beheaded the C(o)unt in January?

This impostor played a convincing hand and I was imprisoned, fearing for my safety, in the boudoir for 12 long and arduous hours. Finally, I was brought to my senses as I recalled my station and my duty to my people and realised that even by C(o)unt standards, this cad was evil with terrible intentions upon the Countess' person. I plotted my escape and threw messages from my window which sadly made their way down the moat to oblivion.

I was saved by Culprit and Bespoke who sensed my abject fear and helplessness through the door of the boudoir, hearing my whimpers and had, at any rate, become concerned over their allowances......Webster was absent for a few days as was my secretary and it was down to me to hand out pennies from the coffers, as it were, in order that they purchased their trinkets and toys.

I called Della immediately and told her of my imprisonment....... but the stranger, indeed kidnapper, was off like the wind, scaling the palace wall and even swimming the moat. I am to employ a bodyguard in view of my vulnerability and have installed extra cameras and security about the grounds.

Della suggested we lunch, in order to recuperate and to tell all to her for her analysis, in the centre of Brighton town at an Indian establishment which I must recommend to all. There was no limit on the quantity of beautiful imported foods that we devoured and my appetite was as hearty as any woman who had gone through such a hideous ordeal.

The Bombay Lounge in North Street comes with the Countess' full recommendation and approval!!!!

Later, Della accompanied the Countess on a shopping expedition to a den of interest and fascination named the Snoopers Paradise which holds treasures of such grandeur that even the Countess is of occasion left speechless!

Your Countess overspent but with so many civic duties upon the horizon, Della quite assured me that I was justified.

Now briefly....what of love........?

Webster made in-depth inquiries into the borough of Saflandon (if you recall from last week my encounter with the suitor who had brought gifts to the palace in an attempt to seduce your Countess). Alas, it has transpired that Saflandon is actually South London.......and as the Countess of HACKNEY, any association is halted immediately.

Another suitor, from Slovakia, also with gifts, has been and gone due to lack of Countess interest and too many presents (and more erections) of an inappropriate nature

I am advised that another internet dating site may be able to offer me some pleasures and that it is quite free to partake in its facilities for ladies of breeding such as myself.

Lots More Fish is apparently a reference to all the available fish in the ocean and not anything pertaining to women and aromas....thank goodness.

I will ask my secretary to upload my details this very evening and keep my loyal readers informed as to my regal progress.

This Friday last I accompanied the lovely Dandy Ana (my other Lady in Waiting) to a televised event at the Palace of Pearl. Why, she danced like a Turkish queen across the bar and we were mesmerised by her vivaciousness.

The Countess was also filmed of course and these moving images will be transported across the whole of Europe very soon for an international episode of Come Dine With Me. In thanks for my support (which I offered willingly of course) Dandy Ana treated me to a night at Wild Fruit and we partied and frolicked with the most dandy and adventurous characters in Brighton.

The palace saw the usual array of colourful and less colourful guests across the draw bridge.

Jono of Eire misbehaved as always and was entangled with a relative stranger named Colin of Sackville. Webster removed him from the premises as he attempted to steal the robes of Jono of Eire....from his very person. The palace has strict rules on this matter of course. Lisa of the Montague clan was entertained briefly by Will of Plymouth in his quarters although I believe his advances upon her person were relatively unsuccessful and she escaped to her own palace with instructions to her cook to prepare scrambled eggs upon her return.

The Countess has been subjected to the usual inane and personality-less stalkers....see beheadings later, including Emma who has stolen boots from the Countess dressing room and I am warned that she indeed has designs on my fascinator. Stalking is becoming more problematic as the Countess enjoys greater notoriety about the cities she shows allegiance to. The practice ranges from messages of adoration to followers and hangers-on who spend their time seeking out the golden carriage and following the Countess troupe as we venture about town. Lady Ana has warned me that stalkers are harmless and that provided one does not make contact with them all will be well.

The L'il Literati has moved to a new palace in Hackney but lacks a communications network to send immediate news. Furthermore, she has been condemned to an occupation called 'temping' which has robbed her of her spirits.

The Duchy of Cake and Ice Ice Baby is rehearsing in London town for performances in the near future with the touring acting group called the Foul Players......we wait with bated breath for their thespian shenanigans.

The Baron has temporarily lost all his good looks due to a bout of the pox......we wish him well and ask that he does not approach the Countess until the scabs have healed.

Friday sees Sir Peter Jarrette and the Countess returned to the studio of musical recording. Our trusty producer is ready and waiting with his machines of recording to make our second release for the 'album'. One's voice is strained recently due to excessive activities after dark and so the Countess is compelled to rest lest she is unable to sing in tune.

I am also to meet my designer for a fitting of the dress for the Mad Hatters event. We are currently in negotiations with Butlers in The Buff who will hopefully push the Countess in her golden carriage to the event.

And so to awards and punishments.


Alicia LaCoco Moss.....for stalking

Emma Taylor.............for stalking


Colin of Sackville......for attempted theft of a jacket

Will of Plymouth.......for pilfering from the pantry


John O'Sullivan........for amusing the Countess at all times

4/7/10 8:09 PM

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