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Letters from a suitor from the Countess Diaries

Updated: Nov 15, 2020

I was to receive quite a string of correspondences from a suitor this week and the Palace gates were more open than closed with the horse and carriages that arrived beholden with the finest stationery and penmanship I have seen for some time. The gentleman in question fair spent some seven days scratching his nib.

For your amusement readers, I enclose a small section of the communications.

To journey to Brighton on a weekday evening would be a grand undertaking, however, London is a mere 40 minutes. I am grateful for your gracious hospitality.

Although I know London fairly well, I admit that the ways of the city folk are beyond my parochial culture and also fear that Brighton would prove untenable to my provincial outlook.

I hate to stab myself in the foot but may I be blunt -- even if I risk sabotaging our rendezvous?

( from the Suitor)

Are you saying that you are a kitten, not a tiger?

(from the Countess)

I resent the implication; If I may go on without presumptions of cowardly behaviour.

I seek a lady of age greater than my own with whom to slake my lust. My dilemma is the task of finding a suitable matron who appreciates the desires of the young man.

(from the Suitor)

You must forgive me my presumptions. A woman of my status and wisdom is apt to judge and I am oft pursued by cads and buffoons seemingly after my favours as well as my trinkets.

Tis the curse of handsomeness and wealth.

I am all for lust young man but mark my words, my patience will wear thin should you tease and trifle with my desires!

(from the Countess)

I have demonstrated at an early point that I do not enjoin any trivialities. I have made my objectives very clear. Just as you have no time for the cad, I have none for the uncultured slattern. I seek not your trinkets for I have my own and I bore of them. I , however, seek carnal pleasures but should cultured conversation follow after matters have been attended to, that too would be a pleasure itself.

There will be no teasing if the boundaries are set and expectations are managed -- hence my blunt proposition.

(from the Suitor)

The sudden death of my late husband has left me bereft and wanton, although his beheading was necessary under the circumstances of his betrayal. I accept your attentions and will take pleasure in perfecting your techniques ( for a young and virile gentleman of merely one and twenty years will surely benefit from the knowledge of a Countess).

I have little need of the folly of unnecessary conversations although I would expect thanks and adorations should you be satisfied.

(from the Countess)

I regret to hear of your loss. Perhaps our proposed activities will alleviate your sorrows and divert your thoughts to the pleasures of life rather than its tribulations.

(from the Suitor)

And so young man, are you a travelling gent? Do you have a carriage with sturdy steeds?

I await a proposal...an arrangement mutually advantageous perhaps following my civic duties this weeks end in my borough of Hackney for I am there to address commitments and to make ready my new Palace.

(from the Countess)

Alas, I am not the keeper of my stallion, for its master be my lord for whom I toil from the sun's advance from the east till it approaches the west at the 6th hour after the zenith. I dare not ride forth to the lady's fine and noble Borough on a stallion bearing the markings of my lord. To encroach the trust bestowed upon me would surely result in chastisement, especially were the beast to incur injurious markings or penalties from the sheriff of your province.

I will travel with the pilgrims who journey often to the northern land that you call London, on the wagon that rolls along the path of steel.

To journey upon this Saturday would have born much pleasure, for upon this day I celebrate the passing of the 21st year to my 22nd. However I would gladly persevere until another week passes, should this suit your arrangements. What say you?

(from the Suitor)

Sir, I wait with bated breath for your appraisal of my new frock and corset......indeed I have this very day made orders to my bootmaker. There may even be some opportunity for you to make judgement of my satin bloomers imported from Paris. I feel quite sure that having reached the ripe age of two and twenty years you will be experienced enough in such matters.

You have quite made the Countess breathless with excitement.

(from the Countess)

I trust that you intend not to patronise my experience countess, for I am a man of the world and I have smelt and tasted many a fine thing over the breadth of continents. Many an innocent maiden have I defiled and my oats have been sown hither and thither.

I am too you, you will appreciate, a man with an eye for matters of a sartorial nature and will take pleasure in inspecting the garments that you speak of as I remove them from your body and desecrate your modesty.

I pray that I am to expect the pleasure of your company on this Saturday's eve?

(from the Suitor)

First published 1/26/11 12:50 PM

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