The Countess Diaries, a Sanitary Incident in Brighton

How speedily the weeks roll by my friends, clearly this is a measure of how the Countess enjoys herself this summer in Brighton, and also a measure of how busy one's civic duties and charity events keep one!

The Countess has a new camera

image by Pixabay

Tuesday past was my assembly with the new and burgeoning channel for television named Latest (affiliated wholly with Latest 7 Magazine), a parochial media outfit with what might be described as provincial ideologies.

I attended the meeting as it had been proposed that I might present some or other events with the use of a microphone and a worker armed with a large camera. Of course, the Lady Pembleton-Fraser and Della have warned me that vanity is a sin and a most unattractive quality in a woman of repute and social standing, and possibly advancing years.

Thus I was to shake any sense of vanity from impending excitement and focus on the job in spread the Brighton word to the people and other boroughs and Kingdoms and to encourage investment in a cable channel for our fine upstanding city.

This I tried to do but the vanity arose like a demon from the depths of my insecurities. Indeed I spent an entire day with Persephone, my stylist, and Della, and the wardrobe maids and even Cook. (Cook was none too impressed; she is a woman of excess figure who cares only for foodstuffs). Under interrogation with the staff as to what impression the Countess might give in each outfit, Cook's stock answer was in the form of a raised eyebrow and mutterings under her breath. I am sure at one point I heard her say 'Madam looks like a streetwalker in Soho'. But Della assured me this could not be so as Cook has never been to Soho.

Wednesday I was to hold a photographic shoot at the Palace in readiness for the Countess exhibition in aid of the Festival of Pride on the 6th August.

The lovely Wouter Far-From-Home was most keen to assist the Countess in this charitable endeavour and was most willing to remove his clothing for the borough and this artistic undertaking. Also I was pleased to welcome another model, Michel of the Goods (Good by nature as opposed to retail).

My dear butler, Miguel, proved yet again that he is most educated and refined as he did not raise a hair on his dark brow at the proceedings (even when confronted (quite accidentally as he was only passing) by the two young men in a state of exposure upon the four-poster bed and new-fangled camera equipment. Your Countess feels that indeed Miguel will return to his Spanish roots quite the better man for his stint at the Palace.

All in all the photographic shoot was a huge success except that the gym ball had deflated to an unacceptable level. No worries here as another day has been set aside for more artistic enterprise and I have ensured that the Baron will blow it up more suitably.....he seems to have acquired the knack in this department where the staff are quite useless.

Later, on Wednesday, we were onward toward my beach for a charity barbecue. The sun which had shone all day seemed to wain under the strain and a mist fell over the piers. But we in Brighton are most resilient and we were not for turning. Indeed the hardness of the pebbles, the moisture droplets on the cheeks, the cloudiness of the skies, and the slight chill of temperature simply strengthened our reserve that we are British after all!

Lord Double-Yew arrived somewhat late as his timekeeping was hampered by wine from Italy I believe. He was most charming, if a little unstable on his feet, and had even brought a cut crystal glass for my wine protesting that a Countess simply cannot be expected to drink out of the plastic vessels that the proletariat is otherwise accustomed to. His generosity has overshadowed the fact that he never brings tobacco to the table (or my beach) and that he hogs his share of the Countess' Marlboro, quite forgetting himself and overestimating his station. I have employed a new Axeman, Axeman Al of Hove. He was to invite us to his Hove Castle after the feast on my beach, a reasonable castle, all things considered. I was most excited to observe a hot tub in the grounds. But alas it was merely a set of Argos table and chairs covered in a waterproof binding. My disappointment was manifest and was intensified still further by a ban on the smoking of Tobaccos from the Americas within the castle walls. Let me tell you this readers.......I was not amused to be forced into the grounds with the rabbits and the Argos furniture and I will not be resident at the Castle of Axeman Al again. I am perfectly happy however that he be in the Palace employ as his record is terrifying and he has been a guest of Her Majesty, the Queen of actual England, on several occasions.

There was general unrest that evening on the streets of Brighton, the summer days have seemingly affected the minds of my people.

Manda of the Dex fought with Emily of the Whiters who fought back, Sir Peter Jarrette fought with Axeman Al who is humbled, due more to Sir Peter's social standing than his demeanor. Axeman Al was unabated and insulted Biggy by overestimating his years (and for this there is no looking back, Biggy does not forget such things) and the Countess fought with Jono of Eire, although this is to be expected as Jono of Eire brings an Irish silliness to the Palace and he is quite used to being reprimanded. I was most pleased that night to make to the boudoir in peace and the following day we were all to kiss and make up, more or less, although I hear that Manda of the Dex may have performed an inappropriate sexual act upon Axeman Al. We all remain too fearful to quiz him further and Manda of the Dex seems to have suffered severe memory loss due to vodka on my beach.

Thursday was the day of my presentation at Madam Geisha's for Latest Television.

I was in purple, on advice from my stylist, and felt quite avant-garde in my staging.

The artists at the exhibition were of fair repute and I hope the people of Brighton and Hackney will take time to peruse the show which runs until August. I took great pleasure in my interviews and wish Miranda of the Rasmussens and Zachery of the Walshes most good fortune in their activities with the Geisha Arts Movement.

I was later again at Madam Geisha's to meet the lovely Gareth Jones (who is of course a rising star in the world of the Deejé). He was convivial and charming and I have managed to secure his services for the palace art show in August. See below for your amusement some of his fine work which the people of Brighton and indeed Hackney may download without fee.

(Removed by Artist) After the launch at the place of Geishas, I was to meet my dear friend Sir Peter Jarrette and the lovely Lady Debs of the Lewis clan. We were to the opening of a bar named Lola Lo who was most generous to our needs via cocktails. The evening ended late of course and Sir Peter had proved great company as always.

Friday saw another birthday for the Countess and I was most pleased to receive so many gifts from dear friends and relations around the globe. My most favourite gift was from Emily of the Whiter clan. It is a miniature silver hoover and although it does not seem to suck of its own accord, there being no automatic vacuum, it is a charming miniature. Also most fabulous was a hair decoration made from vintage vinyl records which was a gift from my namesake Josephine-Poppy Marcellas Valentine and a portrait of your Countess by Biggy. Even the Baron took time between his many girlfriends to buy beautiful flowers that stay tall in the palace drawing-room still.

Later on Friday we were to party at the Palace and the revelry went on until the small hours. Mostly the event is a blur due to an intake of headache powder which numbs the senses somewhat. My physician had recommended some due to a slight earache.

Now the weekend saw visitors to the palace who were friends of the Baron. They were pleasant enough although one, who goes by the name of Charlotte and seems to have hovered in from some lowly hamlet named Peacehaven, quite excelled in her misdemeanors.

Well as you know readers, the Baron has been a man of gentlemanly training and has been to the best of schools (including the Edinburgh Academy at the request of mother, the Lady Pembleton-Fraser of Edinburgh of course

Imagine the horror we were subjected to as Charlotte of Peacehaven descended upon the Baron with breasts as huge as the Palace Gym Ball!

The poor Baron, who remains quite naive in such matters of the loins, was quite unable to protect himself and could be seen to touch them involuntarily............I was to my smelling salts and to the kitchen for Della where I was calmed.

Meantime, safe in the knowledge of my absence, the Baron was to the Boudoir.....the Countess boudoir!

I am shocked and fearful of what occurred next.

Later when I returned and was to remove the pair I was to find mayhem and chaos had ensued.

Charlotte of Peacehaven had given herself a makeover and had raided.....I exaggerate not.....raided the Countess' walk-in wardrobe. My Jimmy Choos were scattered about the floor and wigs had clearly been manhandled. It was at this point that I broke down readers and then as if to add more insult to the terrible mental injury I was confronted with something of a sanitary nature ON MY PERSIAN RUG!!!! I demanded that the Baron remove it.....he laughed readers, fairly laughed with fervor as he asked what it may be.................'is it a mouse'? He yelled. I insisted that he remove it post-haste and from now on Charlotte of Peacehaven will be known as Charlotte du Tampon Utilisé Perdu. Furthermore, she is barred from the Palace and let us all thank goodness that the Baron has clearly come to his senses as he was just this day to arrive home with a new devotee. Although she is from Moulsecoomb and seems to have forgotten her skirt, I am relieved. Della has advised me that the Baron may be under the influence of addiction-of-the-loins and that he may need some therapy.

I have made necessary inquiries and am told that there is treatment for this addiction but that the meetings are on a Saturday morning in the borough of Brighton. This of course readers is less than convenient in view the Palace timetable. I have heard news that the Foxy Warrior and Ben the Butcher have returned having had all charges for treason, blackmail, armed robbery, extortion, grievous bodily harm, theft of a motor vehicle, driving dangerously, shoplifting and back-chatting an officer of the law have been dropped. The Countess is most pleased that her influence had resulted in a timely and pleasing solution. Their temporary madness has done no long term damage and we expect to resume normal activity quite soon. I am most pleased with the gifts that were delivered to the palace from the Foxy one and her child and thank them wholeheartedly. And so readers another week is upon us with much to do. I am to Hackney to check the borough for smooth running and will return soon enough. God bless Brighton and God bless Hackney.

Frome the Diaries of a Countess

First published 7/5/10 8:36 PM

© 2020 Sarnia de la Maré


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